Marriage Counselling / Relationship Counselling
Comments: No Comments
Being in a successful relationship takes purposeful work.
Sometimes connecting with each other comes more naturally. Other days, it may be very hard to find a path to your partner.
For this reason, it’s important to make a conscious effort to understand your partner’s needs. Doing so makes connecting possible.
But first, it’s important to understand what “connecting” really is.
Most people assume it simply means having a conversation. While talking is a big part of it, there can be so much more to communication than simply passing on information.
Connecting with your partner means you are present, not just physically!. You listen to, understand and validate their needs. It also means finding ways to fill those needs.
Here’s how to make it happen in your own relationship.
How to Understand What Your Partner Needs
According to motivational author and speaker Tony Robbins, humans have six fundamental needs. To figure out what is most important to your partner in the relationship, consider these six pillars as a starting point.
Avoiding pain and seeking out pleasure, certainty surrounds the idea of security.
An idea to help you understand your partner’s needs is to talk to your partner about how secure or certain they feel in the relationship. Do they feel as though your love is a gamble? And what can make them feel more secure?
Humans thrive on variety. In other words, exciting and even unexpected challenges motivate us, it builds character and increases our abilities.
In your relationship, do you have enough healthy challenges with which to nurture a strong connection? If not, you may want to give the idea of adding variety some thought.
How important does your partner feel to you? In a relationship, feeling important is invaluable.
It’s vital, therefore, that you find ways to let your partner know you need them (and not just a partner). But don’t just restrict yourself to words, think about what you can do each day to show they are important to you.
4. Connection and Love
Humans are social animals, thriving on social interaction. We each need to feel that sense of love and connectivity in our lives.
Ask yourself, does your partner feel loved? Identify how you show your love—holding hands, helping with household chores, etc. Again, this encompasses much more than simply verbal affirmations.
The human experience is one of motion, stopping means withering away. And on this path, people constantly evolve and change.
In your relationship, are you growing as a couple? How do you support your partner as they change and grow?
6. Contribution and Giving
What we contribute to the world becomes our legacy. You may give your time, undivided attention, or even your undying support to your partner.
Think about it: What do you contribute to your relationship? In what ways would your partner see you contribute?
What It Means to Listen to Your Partner
From these six fundamental human needs, you can begin to determine what your partner’s core values are. Effectively, what is truly important to your partner?
Once identified, you can begin to connect with your partner on that level. But, how do you figure out their core values in the first place? You listen.
Listening is probably more involved than you may realise. It’s more than simply waiting for your turn to talk, for example. Rather, listening involves a great deal of observation as well. To make a conscious effort to understand your partner’s needs, it’s necessary to know them.
Watch your partner. Take note of things to which they respond—physical touch, spending time together, having a conversation, gifts, etc.
Listening to your partner is key to connecting with them. Without listening, it’s nearly impossible to truly know them, let alone connect with them.
Why It’s Vital to Break Certain Patterns
To take your conscious effort a step further, make it a point to spot negative communication patterns in your relationship. For example, take a step back when you’re in a conflict and observe what’s really going on. Are you shouting, criticising, waving your arms about, pointing your finger, or playing the blame game?
These negative habits do nothing to help you connect with each other. Instead, they will quickly push you apart.
In making a conscious effort to fill your partner’s needs, have the wherewithal to stop negative patterns. This literally means stopping right in the middle of a heated battle and saying, “Honey, I love you, and I don’t want to fight like this. I’m sorry. Can we start over, please?”
You may be surprised about the impact of such a bold and loving action.
For more ways to discover your partner’s needs as well as unique ways to fill them, please contact me. I would like to help you feel more connected in your relationship. Together, we can make that happen.