Resources

Trudy Jacobsen | Relationships

Being in a successful relationship takes purposeful work.

Sometimes connecting with each other comes more naturally. Other days, it may be very hard to find a path to your partner.

For this reason, it’s important to make a conscious effort to understand your partner’s needs. Doing so makes connecting possible.

But first, it’s important to understand what “connecting” really is.

Most people assume it simply means having a conversation. While talking is a big part of it, there can be so much more to communication than simply passing on information.

Connecting with your partner means you are present, not just physically!. You listen to, understand and validate their needs. It also means finding ways to fill those needs.

Here’s how to make it happen in your own relationship.

How to Understand What Your Partner Needs

According to motivational author and speaker Tony Robbins, humans have six fundamental needs. To figure out what is most important to your partner in the relationship, consider these six pillars as a starting point.

1. Certainty

Avoiding pain and seeking out pleasure, certainty surrounds the idea of security.

An idea to help you understand your partner’s needs is to talk to your partner about how secure or certain they feel in the relationship. Do they feel as though your love is a gamble? And what can make them feel more secure?

2. Variety

Humans thrive on variety. In other words, exciting and even unexpected challenges motivate us, it builds character and increases our abilities.

In your relationship, do you have enough healthy challenges with which to nurture a strong connection? If not, you may want to give the idea of adding variety some thought.

3. Significance

How important does your partner feel to you? In a relationship, feeling important is invaluable.

It’s vital, therefore, that you find ways to let your partner know you need them (and not just a partner). But don’t just restrict yourself to words, think about what you can do each day to show they are important to you.

4. Connection and Love

Humans are social animals, thriving on social interaction. We each need to feel that sense of love and connectivity in our lives.

Ask yourself, does your partner feel loved? Identify how you show your love—holding hands, helping with household chores, etc. Again, this encompasses much more than simply verbal affirmations.

5. Growth

The human experience is one of motion, stopping means withering away. And on this path, people constantly evolve and change.

In your relationship, are you growing as a couple? How do you support your partner as they change and grow?

6. Contribution and Giving

What we contribute to the world becomes our legacy. You may give your time, undivided attention, or even your undying support to your partner.

Think about it: What do you contribute to your relationship? In what ways would your partner see you contribute?

What It Means to Listen to Your Partner

From these six fundamental human needs, you can begin to determine what your partner’s core values are. Effectively, what is truly important to your partner?

Once identified, you can begin to connect with your partner on that level. But, how do you figure out their core values in the first place? You listen.

Listening is probably more involved than you may realise. It’s more than simply waiting for your turn to talk, for example. Rather, listening involves a great deal of observation as well. To make a conscious effort to understand your partner’s needs, it’s necessary to know them.

Watch your partner. Take note of things to which they respond—physical touch, spending time together, having a conversation, gifts, etc.

Listening to your partner is key to connecting with them. Without listening, it’s nearly impossible to truly know them, let alone connect with them.

Why It’s Vital to Break Certain Patterns

To take your conscious effort a step further, make it a point to spot negative communication patterns in your relationship. For example, take a step back when you’re in a conflict and observe what’s really going on. Are you shouting, criticising, waving your arms about, pointing your finger, or playing the blame game?

These negative habits do nothing to help you connect with each other. Instead, they will quickly push you apart.

In making a conscious effort to fill your partner’s needs, have the wherewithal to stop negative patterns. This literally means stopping right in the middle of a heated battle and saying, “Honey, I love you, and I don’t want to fight like this. I’m sorry. Can we start over, please?”

You may be surprised about the impact of such a bold and loving action.

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For more ways to discover your partner’s needs as well as unique ways to fill them, please contact me. I would like to help you feel more connected in your relationship. Together, we can make that happen.

Do you swing from feeling sad and depressed to angry and annoyed? Is your relationship suffering? Are you tired of this cycle and looking for a way out?

If you are feeling stuck in an unwanted pattern of behaviour, this Blog was written for you! The information provided here is life changing. It will help you to break old patterns, and create greater happiness, success and better relationships.

Anthony Robbins developed the Crazy Eight Strategy to help people recognise and change unwanted patterns of behaviour.

The pattern I’m referring to is when a person swings from feeling annoyed and angry, to feeling sad and depressed. An event triggers one emotion, which is then relieved by the opposing emotion. Before long people find themselves hooked into the Crazy Eight swinging between feeling mad and sad.

How Does This Happen?

The ways, in which people can get hooked into the Crazy Eight pattern, is limited only by their imagination. It depends upon their life experience, values, beliefs and priorities. A whole range of issues and situations cause emotional triggers, which can potentially impact our mood and behaviour.

Because I work a lot with couples, I am going to demonstrate the Crazy Eight with a case study, from my combined experience as a couples therapist and coach.

Case Study

Andrea (41) and John (44) have been together for 20 years and married for seventeen. They have two children aged sixteen and fourteen. Andrea works part-time as an accountant and John works full-time as a real estate agent.

For the past three years Andrea and John have become increasingly dissatisfied with their intimate relationship.

Andrea complains John doesn’t appreciate her, and he puts his work above all else. John feels Andrea doesn’t understand that he has to work long hours to maintain their lifestyle. He is frustrated with Andrea’s constant complaints and mood swings, and doesn’t know how to manage her expectations or make her happy.

The challenges both have experienced in expressing their thoughts, feelings and needs has resulted in John spending more time away from home and Andrea spending more time swinging between feeling mad and sad.

They are concerned with the difficulty they are experiencing with their communication and fear that the distance between them will continue to grow.

What Is Really Going On?

For the past few years John’s business has really taken off. He’s receiving more referrals than ever before, and sales are going through the roof! He feels great when he is at work. He knows how to do his job well and he enjoys the feeling of success. His career provides him with a high level of certainty and significance and he feels well connected within his community.

Andrea is proud of her husband’s achievements and appreciates the financial rewards his work provides to their family. At the same time She misses him when he is working and is frustrated when he brings his work home. Their conversations are constantly interrupted with business calls, emails and messages.

When John takes a call at home Andrea’s automatic emotional response is to feel rejected and alone. In her heart she knows her husband loves her, yet at the same time she sadly feels the distance between them is growing. She wants to bridge the gap, but feels unable to take action, because this conversation always ends in hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

How People Get Hooked Into The Crazy Eight?

The challenge couples face, is in effectively communicating, how they feel, and what they want. When emotions are running high, and communication is difficult, these discussions often lead to one person feeling defensive and the other feeling misunderstood. As a result issues are not resolved and future discussions seem futile.

When couples feel unable to speak their truth, to be understood and have their needs met, they become vulnerable to developing unproductive patterns of behaviour.

Back To The Case Study

For example, now when John reads an email at home, Andrea immediately fills with emotion, she is unable to express herself effectively, and as a result of this barrier to communicate, will either express anger “I’m so sick of him checking his emails at home. He’s constantly on the phone. I don’t know why he even bothers to come home!” Or, sadness “I wish he could see how important our time together is. If I were important to him, he would prioritise his time with me”.

The way Andrea makes sense of the situation will influence her mood and behaviour. Because she feels blocked from communicating her concerns she will try to get her needs met with a display of emotion. Andrea doesn’t realise she has just stepped into the Crazy Eight.

Cycling From Mad To Sad

Because human beings are unable to maintain one state forever, eventually Andrea will get tired of feeling one emotion, for example anger, and her thoughts will shift, “I wish he could see how important our time is. If I were important to him he would prioritise his time with me”. With this thought her body will lose the energy anger provides and she will transition across to a depressed state. After a while she gets tired of feeling sad and depressed and she will shift her focus, she will become annoyed and angry, and so the unproductive pattern of behaviour continues.

Due to the communication difficulties, experienced by the couple, John is unaware of the intricacies of Andrea’s thought processes, and as a result of the confusion he is unable to help reduce his wife’s distress and meet her emotional needs. Instead he feels helpless, defensive and unappreciated.

He notices Andrea is becoming increasingly moody and he feels powerless to resolve the situation and make her happy. Eventually he gives up trying. He feels he can’t make her happy anyway so what is the point.

Andrea perceives his withdrawal as further evidence that he doesn’t care about her feelings and work is now his priority.

How Do I Stop The Cycle?

Relationship counselling and coaching offers you the support needed to stop the Crazy Eight pattern of behaviour and start living the life you deserve. Results are achieved in the shortest possible time by helping you to gain a deeper understanding of yourself, to recognise your emotions, beliefs, trigger points, and the automatic thoughts, which are no longer serving you.

Along with effective communication skills training you will be able to authentically and openly express yourself, which leads to better understanding, compassion and intimacy.

Relationship counselling and coaching helps you to create a vision for the future and an action plan to achieve your relationship goals. Throughout the process successes are celebrated and barriers are addressed. With the right support you can break the old pattern, create a new destiny, and enjoy greater happiness, success and better relationships.